An opportunity and the fear of losing it…

…It has ingrained in my mind as the end of the world, as the end of life.

It is an end, yes, that is for sure, however, every second has an end on its own. There is an end in everything, yet these ends count for whatever reason much more.

If only to tell why… due to past experiences? Regrets? Trying to fix the past? Trying to say that person was not me? It was me, in that particular context. For whatever reason it was me.

There is pain indeed that drives all these moments. There is regret, as I know I can be more than who I was at that time. I could have shifted if I knew how all would end, that would end. I know it was just a small shift for me to do, but is it though about that? Do I actually blame myself for more than I am supposed to?

I may be.

I may put myself too much on the shoulders of what involves two people. I may do the work for more than I should have. What is about on me here?

This is who I was in that given moment. The past is the past — move on!

The fact that people keep you in the same space. There is no fluidity in patterns. There is no space for movement and maybe that is all that matters — that space for movement. That space to explore and touch — to be and see who I am without all becoming the end of all. Or maybe it is what it is. It is an end from the other part and that is their choice. You cannot keep them while you try to discover yourself. We are all just triggers for others. Some want to stay and play while on the journey, some just want to go and find their next chapter and maybe that’s what I should do too — just be on my journey, as I see that is what I sacrifice the most when one person comes into my life, and then I regret it. I regret it the most. Loosing that fluidity and momentum just not to loose an opportunity — what do you actually trade of here? Something you can control for something you cannot control? That doesn’t sound right, I must say that. That doesn’t sound right.

Ok. Then what do you do then when these two collide? Meeting those who have the same speed as you have in that moment. That’s how you will match them. And that will tell the start, the journey, the end, if the case — the speed with which you navigate the world.

Being at peace with myself with who I am in each given moment, with the speed I have regardless of who comes around and when. Wrong timing or just temptation to move in the wrong speed and loose myself in between. Trying to accommodate? I would say no longer, as that makes me push people to meet my needs. Just let it be and whoever matches you in that moment will match you anyway, whoever doesn’t, doesn’t.

And how about those opportunities — the meaning associated to it? The fact that time passes — but also spending time on wrong matches delays it all even more. So, there is a loss there anyhow. Like now — there is a loss for not being available yet, still trying to sort myself out — and that just for matching one person at the wrong time.

Maybe we could have worked now, or maybe not. Maybe I do match your speed now, the one you used to have, and maybe today your speed is no longer that one, and maybe today we would have still not matched.

The wrong me — for still believing he is the same person today still. He may, yet he may well not be, given that I am also no longer the same person I used to be that day.

The reality of space and time. People evolve and I think that is my mistake that I do forget about that. (Although maybe they do not evolve in the direction I want to, or the speed I want to, they still evolve) — that is a fact because we cannot stay in one place — we are in constant motion, and I believe I want to be part of it. I want to be part of my own motion. Whoever matches my motion and when, will and whoever doesn’t, doesn’t. Just let ourselves be.