Mind state of change
The day came when all things changed. My vision in terms of among whom I want to be just dissolved into a blank image with no direction whatsoever. All the things I wanted to reach and aimed to work for, my hopes, desires, they all vanished leaving me empty with nothing to aspire to.
I see now how even the things that I have now will change. Friendships will go away, people will be gone in a matter of seconds from the moment when they will meet the new person I will become. It is something I don’t know yet how to think about and how at peace to feel about. Yet.
It’s pain. Firstly, because of me messing myself so much for so long, secondly for underselling me in so many cases, as it happened even today. I keep being afraid that that category of people will leave me behind. The call is for action here, for me to be the one to go first, to run.
I did a mistake, two in fact: no, I would not be happy to just receive anything. It’s true, things will be easier maybe as some stuff will go away. I don’t know. I will see. I feel like I sink and become such an average person, someone that fades away in front of everyone. I feel.
It’s scary. I loose my identity. Or at least the one I had in my mind, the one that I had always as a guidance. I feel sad. Can I go back and say, hey, you know, actually I may not be able to accept the offer as it stands. I feel fear. I feel like I shrink. Do I need these? Would these have helped indeed?
I will not be able to continue, I already feel I cannot anymore. The base is now gone and all fall apart. That desire, those dreams. It feels lonely and not in that way, but rather as being confused. What shall I do now? Which way shall I go? It’s weird. I always knew what I wanted to do. Things were clear in my mind, but now…
More to say I guess. One more line so all fits. Who else is there? Is anyone else there? Someone I can join or can join… It’s a different story now, with a different conclusion. Things vanish, people vanish. No dreams or hopes… just averages, freedom.
