Sectors in forgiveness

There was something special about him, something new that I experienced. It was something that threw away everything about my standards in life in terms of what being a woman is about when in a relationship with a man. That lesson is what I cherished.

I learned what to receive means and to put yourself on the other side. I did it too soon though and when all fell, it all fell apart including myself and my sense of stability. The rug was pulled away right when I was ready to make the step and be that person I wished to be.

Days have passed since that day and I feel that there is something more that was missing in the puzzle. It was that piece that I always knew it’s needed to make things really going, to make things really work: to be indeed surrounded vs to let yourself be surrounded.

And I knew that was the case from the very beginning, that I was not indeed surrounded but I let myself do it while being in a state of mind that led to lots of destruction. I was too much to handle as I was too large for him to bear me. It all makes sense now — it was all a mistake.

It could have also been that he was not ready to hold me, that he was not in a position from which he could sustain my weight. He was not ready and I just fell over him. It could have been the case, yet the damage is there and wounds are still hurting and healing. We are still at the stage where things are as they are — a moment of silence.

More to give, more to take, more to learn and more to share — that is indeed a reality in which I live now. I face the facts, the thoughts, the feelings, the state in which I find myself day after day as days pass by. I learn from them and shape myself given the situations I am in. I structure myself based on what I experience as a person given or taken. It’s a moment.

All in all I could say that the end is the end. At the end I was who I was and the past is indeed what it was. I wished I could erase it, I wished I knew what I know now about all I know now. Would that make things different and would the result be what I hoped for? I believe maybe not, given the question marks I have today about the others.

I know there is more to things. I know I did not process the experience while being in it. I knew I was stubborn and I acted based on myself and the person I became along the way. I know that, honestly, I don’t believe he could have made it now given who I am today. He left then, he would have left now even faster.

How do I know? Well, I don’t, but I know he was just not up for it, for being around at the end of the road. He was not then and that it his track record so far. People do change? Yes, if that is the case, yet to see if ever the case, given the silence that lives right now between us. Do I care? Yes, I do, as I know that it will be something to experience the side of him I wanted him to be: a friend and a lover at the same time.

Do I need a friend right now? Not really. I just thought he was interested in my thoughts and my world. That was not the case. What is next? I don’t know yet as people are so different, yet, to make a call regardless of how the other treats you I would go for: to just be! To just make yourself to be that person you want to be and not based on how the other allows you to be.

By giving the other the power you may or indeed may happen to lose yourself. Why are we so freely giving that to the other? Do they want it? Do they need it? Do we want this? Do we need this? Maybe it is just that moment of just leaving yourself aside for a bit to breathe as it is so much going on in your life that you need one more on which to hold on.

I guess we take over our shoulders more than we can chew and we expect the other to freely accept to bear what we no longer are able to carry. And this with no agreement made between the two of you. Well, I guess I said it all, given the facts that are on the table right now. Something to give, something to share and something to learn while being on this trip.