Sorry

I knew he did mean it when he said it, because I knew about the respect and the care he has for me as a person. I knew he meant all of it and it was not just a saying to just say. That’s why I felt what I felt when that moment did happen. It was a feeling of surroundings and the pain that exists in these sort of situations as you find yourself split between the end and the come back, if ever come back.

I wanted to share about this moment, this learning from a while, when the teachings were about other ways to forwards. It was about the split moment when I knew indeed what that person meant when he said: ‘It’s better for more to suffer a little than a little to suffer more.’ It was a quote from a video that marked the day today as a wonder about the future and the relation to all that’s said.

I did not know what to say, but just a ‘Thank you’ for the words, for the intention or whatever, when you learn about the other and about the love that comes your way. It is a call about those who believe and want to be around and care. It is the way people say the things that mean for them more than for yourself. It is their way to shine their light around those they have around. It is their way, not to forget that.

Some lights come and go away, another thought: ‘I wish you here but can’t afford’. Something I hear a lot and want you walk away with less pain and less drama in their face. ‘I can’t afford you at this stage. I wish you, but I can’t. I am sorry but I have to let you go with all the best.’ Another thought, a tougher one; one to explain and process yourself. ‘I can’t afford. I need to be myself alive as well.’

Was there any last thought? Yes, did it matter how many others and who others are in the same situation? Was it personal and how personal? To wish not well… that’s indeed evil… just for your own sake, that’s not worth it. It was a call and they had to make, to let me go, go far away. Will they come back? Will I come back? With what thought, with what goal? Is desire something to take now into consideration? Ever… or never?

I have more to say about this story. I am still trying to make some sense of it in such a way that good outcomes and life endings are coming out of this. I think’s the goal and the meaning of all this, so that we all thrive for the better in the life to come. Another story to be written with another chapter in the mind. This was short and I keep longing so I make the right response and keep things the same length.

Another call, yes, it’s now back — the story of another end that I called today at last, hopefully for good times to the end. That was something that I made out of fear, blockage, pain. The need of move on, of going to forwards, of releasing the stuck and of the burden. It was controlled selfed-ego. Yeah, it didn’t matter and was not meant to. Not today and maybe never, as I wish for the never.

I made the call which I hope it was understood as such and beyond. It was a call that I go and I leave you alone. Do please come back not, or at least for a while, until I get myself back to who that I aim to. That is pain, I can feel it. I can read it in the words. The sufferings that now you don’t really matter. It’s sorrow and an arrow that now I throw to other back. That’s what I do. That’s what I do.

It was a lot to say. More than I should. At least I said and made some out of it. For the better and the better. God bless and all stay well.